


Only God Knows What

by velvetcat09



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Hijikata's POV, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV First Person, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetcat09/pseuds/velvetcat09
Summary: Knowing and not knowing; what are we if not two sides of the same coin.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	Only God Knows What

**Author's Note:**

> My head is sort of in a mess, idk

We know each other. We don’t know each other. From the very beginning, it never mattered.

From the very beginning, I already lost. His resolution broke mine, I wavered, and yet he bore the scar. I don’t understand him.

We weren’t friends. Our rotten works just kept being tangled up together, our interests, our prides, ourselves. We were not friends.

But he kept picking up my pride, butting into other people’s businesses, his obnoxious silver light never faded, never did it diminish, not a single time. Unwavering. He forgot it all the same. I remembered it all.

Before I knew it, I chased over that light.

My body moved on its own, my heart as well. My mind could only watch. As he come back battered and bruised, bloodied and on the verge of death; still, he picked up his sword. I don’t understand. Yet, my body and heart understood it.

That’s why, when I kissed him back and we were shrouded in the darkness of night, my body and heart moved on their own. His hands on my skin were hot, he was always like a fireplace to begin with. The marks he left lasted momentarily, but it burnt for days. His breaths were like fire.

It was ever only heat.

Spur of the moment. Here and there, hidden, not shown, our little secret.

We know and don’t know each other, that’s why we stayed quiet and only ever hold each other during the night. The nature of mankind is to fall prey to their desire, ego. Selfish to the core. We refused to see each other’s eyes when we’re connected like this. His warm hand covered my eyes so that he wouldn’t have to look. My arm shielded these eyes so I wouldn’t have to look. Neither of us wanted to know the honesty behind them.

There was never anything more. Only rotten secrets kept in the dark, never to be brought under daylight. My body and heart knew this.

So, why do I yearn for his flame?

It was never anything. I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me. We were never tied to something as simple as this. Whatever this is. There was never room for this to grow from the start. It was neglected, neither of us ever watered it.

A weed on the road, persistently growing, despite being trampled again and again. I desired his heart regardless.

* * *

“Love me.”

Gintoki looked at him funny. “ _What_?”

“You already fuck me, why not love me as well?”

“What the hell are you even talking about?”

Hijikata pinned him on the mattress. “Give it.” He refused to look at Gintoki’s eyes. “However small it is, give it to me.”

“Then,” Gintoki flipped their position. “do you have any left for me?”

They know, they don’t know. Gintoki doesn’t have it from the very start, you cannot give what you don’t have. Hijikata doesn’t have any left, they no longer exist within him.

The reason why they refused to see eye to eye, the need to tether whatever this is to the edge of breaking; was it from the guilt of not being able to give what’s needed the most?

“I don’t have it. You don’t have it. Neither of us have any rights to ask for it.” Gintoki’s hand hovered over his neck.

Hijikata closed his eyes. His body knew, his heart knew it as well. It’s just his mind that couldn’t comprehend it. The idea of a bond like this in the absence of love. Doesn’t make a single sense to him.

It was just owning and being owned. Holding and being held.

“What is even this?”

Hurting and being hurt.

“Who knows.”

They kissed and that was only ever it.


End file.
